I don’t want to talk about it.

Sighhhhhhhhhhh.

I don’t want to talk about my ankle at all.  I don’t want to talk about the fact that KneeKnacker is ONE WEEK away.  I don’t want to constantly hear the sympathetic song and dance from fellow runners.  I’m so effing tired of being the injured kid on the sidelines not getting to jump in and play with their friends.  I’ve actually completely avoided telling anyone about the injury, and only talking about it when it comes up in conversation.  I’m not going to lie to anyone, you know that’s not me.  But, at the same extent, I just don’t want to talk about it anymore.  Even with avoiding it, I’m still having to talk about it multiple times a day.  That’s the first world problem of A) not having any friends that aren’t runners, and B) having amazing and caring and wonderful people as friends.  I obviously appreciate the care and concern, I just can’t handle the constant conversation and reminder of the fact that I’m not running right now, barely walking without pain, and the chances of me running in my goal race for 2015, a race so special to me, the KneeKnacker is slim to none.

Yep, I said it; slim to none.  I’ve talked to my experts, I’ve done the soul searching, I’ve been honest with myself and others, it’s a 90% no.   I leave the 10% in, because it will be on the short but still somewhat realistic side of the timeframe of ankle sprains healing, because I’m a tough bugger, and because I’ve been actively trying abso-fricken-lutely everything to heal it.  Acupuncture, Massage, Physio, Pool Running, Cupping, Dry Needling, Laser Treatment, Hot/Cold Water Shock Treatments, I’m pretty sure I’ve tried anything and everything I can at this point.

But, here’s the thing, I don’t want to talk any longer about the fact that I may not run.  I just can’t handle that conversation, and all it does is stress me out, upset me, and make me cry.  I can’t stop myself from tearing up.  I’m not able to not pretend to be ok.  I’m not able to keep my composure.  I’m just not capable of yet again having to deal with this.

If I can’t run next weekend, there’s 2 big positives.  I get to see and crew for my husband running his first ultra.  And I get to  see my very good friend, Mike Murphy attempt to break the course record.  Thirdly, we have so many friends and acquaintances who will be running and volunteering at KneeKnacker, which makes it such a special race.  Butttttttt, that’s the double edged sword…

I can’t just hide incognito and not see literally a hundred people who will want to know exactly why I’m not running, and how I’m doing.  And I stress this again that I love my friends and the trail running community, but I just can’t handle being injured, again.  There’s so much that I want to scream and cry and yell, but that’s not fair, it’s not the end of the world, it’s not like I have a terminal illness or someone passed away.  I’m just injured.  And I guess that’s where part of my issue lies.  I’m embarrassed that my injury does affect me this much.  I’m embarrassed that I don’t want to see and catch up with my friends.  I’m embarrassed that I’m not stronger than I am.  I’m sad that I can’t mask my emotions, put on a happy face, and be thankful for everything wonderful that I do have in my life.

I just don’t want to talk about it.  I just want to hide in a hole, avoid the world, and not talk about the fact that my feet and ankles hate me, hate running, and have for almost 2 years now, tried to do anything and everything to stop me from my passion of trail and mountain running/adventuring.  It just really fricken sucks.

Ok, vent done.

Here’s what I missed today….Sigh.

11695724_10155727213560322_7055506976987589053_n11703070_10155740205770632_8567999043220354621_n 11202653_10155716764985580_474407785944605965_n

Send me lots of amazing healing vibes, maybe if we all pray super hard to the running gods, my ankle will magically finish it’s healing in the next 6 days….

xoxo

-S

Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to I don’t want to talk about it.

  1. Steph says:

    Sending you lots of healing vibes!!! xoxo

  2. Jess Reid says:

    I know you DONT want to talk about it! and saying that and recognizing the bummer that it is – you’ve built this amazing community! And you have a lot of accomplishments along the way to be super proud of- and I’m cheering for you whether you’re on the sideline or finish line happy to have you as a friend!

Leave a Reply